The Many Adventures of a Soul in Roadkill
by Yoshimi
Summary: AU: If Ichigo and Rukia had found their first choice for Kon's body. Gen: Kon and friends. Spoilers for manga ch. 186.


Ichigo and Rukia stared down at him, appraising looks on their faces.

"Er, what do you think?" Ichigo asked Rukia tentatively.

"Looks fine to me. Let's go home."

"OK, then."

At this, they turned in the direction of the Kurosaki clinic.

"Wait, wait!" the mod-soul protested. "You can't leave me in this thing! It smells funny! And this leg doesn't work right! And..." he peeked his head in between his front legs, "it's a girl!"

Ichigo and Rukia examined him again. They had shoved the mod-soul pill into the mouth of a (relatively) freshly dead tabby cat. Its fur was matted with blood, one of its rear legs seemed to be broken, and its head tilted at a funny angle.

"I'm hungry," Rukia told the newly appointed cat, as though this were the absolute end to the discussion.

"And I'm tired," Ichigo added. "Do you know how long we've spent looking for a dead body? My dad is seriously going to try to beat me up when I walk in the door. You should just be grateful we didn't let that sandal-and-hat guy destroy you like he wanted to."

"But, but, Rukia nee-san! " the mod-soul whined. It was useless, though, as they had resumed their walking and he was forced to hobble along behind them.

"So," Rukia asked Ichigo, "what should his name be?"

"I was thinking maybe 'Kai' like in 'kaizou konpaku'."

"What about Kon?"

"I thought about that, but Kai sounds a little cooler." He lowered his voice so that Kai wouldn't be able to overhear him. "I think we've probably already punished him enough for all that stuff he did at school."

Rukia glanced back at the small limping figure and gave Ichigo a look that suggested she agreed.

* * *

That evening, Rukia applied her healing demon arts to Kai's new body, with no apparent effect.

"His soul doesn't seem to be aligned with the body enough for me to be able to make significant changes to it. Maybe this is why they discontinued Project Spearhead," Rukia postulated.

"You mean they needed a reason other than it being a totally sick idea?" Ichigo asked.

"The Research Division and our Central Government are extremely practical. Maybe if we get some souma fixers from Urahara, we could align his soul better and fix the body."

Kai was not impressed by this idea. "I don't want to align with this body! It's sticky! Get me one that isn't so broken!"

"If we align him more, will it be harder to get him out?" Ichigo asked, firmly ignoring Kai.

"No, it'd be just as easy as getting your soul out. Why?"

"Nothing. I was just worried we might not be able to put him in my body."

"And since when do you like having Kai in your body, hmm?" she asked devilishly.

"I don't, dumbass! We just might need to use him to move my body, or distract people or something. Are you implying something? Your smile looks perverted!"

Kai was growing tired of being ignored again, and proceeded to rub himself against Rukia's leg. "Rukia nee-san, please don't make me stay in this body! Put me in one where I might more easily nuzzle in your petite bosom..."

After her kick sent him colliding into the opposite wall she declared, "He can deal with the broken cat, I suppose."

* * *

"Come on, Kai! I need that pill!"

"I'm trying, Ichigo!" This was followed by more robust hacking noises. "I just can't seem to...oh, wait!"

With another glorious cough, Kai's stomach appeared to roll up through his body and land on the floor at Ichigo's feet.

Ichigo was poking through the steaming hairball with a stick before he realized that the cat was still standing upright, its off-kilter head watching him quizzically.

"You're still in there! The pill didn't come out!"

"Do you want me to try again?"

"Argh, I don't have time for this! There's a Hollow out there! And I have no idea where Rukia is!"

Ichigo picked the cat up, held him upside down and began beating on his back and head.

"Ow! Stop that, asshole! That's not going to work!"

"Then I guess I'm going to have to put my hand in," Ichigo said as he put Kai down and rolled up his sleeve.

"No!" Kai tried to run, but Ichigo grabbed him by the scruff of his neck. "No! You can't! I wouldn't mind being in your body for a while - running without a limp, having something between my legs."

"Don't talk about that!" Ichigo screamed.

"But I won't let you put your hand inside," Kai continued.

"I have no choice." He grimaced and reached inside Kai's mouth. "Yuck! It's really squishy! What is that?"

"Wiva! 'At's my wiva!"

"What?"

"I'm 'hoking!"

"What! Ow, you bit me! There." Ichigo pulled his hand out, a small moist sphere in his hand, and the cat fell to the floor. He wiped the pill on his shirt and threw it in his mouth. He looked at the person currently occupying his body. "Why did you bite me?"

"You were choking me! And poking at my liver!"

"Oh. Well come on, let's go find that Hollow!"

"No apology? And why do I have to come with you, Ichigo?"

"I have to make sure you're not enjoying having something between your legs. Or my legs. Oh, whatever, hurry up!" With that, they jumped out of the window and ran off to be heroes.

* * *

Yuzu knocked on Ichigo's bedroom door. "Brother! I'm coming in with some clean blankets." Sliding the door open, she mused, "Where is he? I could have sworn he was up here."

She emitted an enormous scream, a single high-pitched note that resonated through the house for the few seconds it took her father to clear the stairs.

"Yuzu!" he yelled. "What's wrong?"

She stopped screaming, but could do no more than point. The trajectory of her finger led to the deceased pile of cat lying in the floor, next to the puddle of vomit.

"Why is that in Brother's room?" Yuzu whimpered.

"Clearly the poor animal was hit by a car, or possibly pummeled with a baseball bat repeatedly. It must have then crawled to that tree, climbed it, made a daring leap through the open window into Ichigo's room, expelled the contents of its stomach and then breathed its last. That's my doctor diagnosis." Isshin seemed quite pleased with this explanation, even if his daughter didn't necessarily look like she agreed.

"Never fear, Yuzu!" he continued. "Daddy's here, and he will take care of this noble creature! Go get a pair of my gloves, and I will escort it to its final resting place!"

After he had deposited the cat in the trash can behind the clinic, he gave Yuzu his most winning smile and asked her if she minded cleaning up the vomit.

* * *

Ichigo, Rukia, and Kai, who was still inside Ichigo's body, returned through the bedroom window to a suspiciously clean floor.

"Where's the cat?" Ichigo asked.

"What do you mean?"

"The cat, Rukia, Kai's cat, it was right there!"

Rukia gave him her patented, "You are the world's biggest idiot" look. "You left the cat there? In your bedroom floor?"

"Why shouldn't I have? Why would I ever think someone would steal that nasty piece of work? And it's my bedroom! Who ever comes in here, anyway?"

"Um, let's see..." Rukia said, cradling her chin in hand. "What about your little homemaker sister?"

"Right. Yuzu." Ichigo deflated as he conceded the defeat. "What are you smirking about, Kai? You're making my face look stupid!"

The soul in question broadened his smile at this incentive. "I was just thinking about my new body. It will definitely have to be male, with all working parts. Can I go with you guys to pick it out this time? Ichigo can stay in soul form, and I can take his body."

"We aren't getting you a new body," Rukia said.

"What do you mean, Rukia? He can't keep mine!" Ichigo protested.

"You're going to find Kai's body," she explained patiently.

"What am I going to do? Go downstairs and ask them if they've seen my dead cat?"

"You'll think of something. Let's get you back in the flesh."

"Rukia nee-san, you aren't going to just leave me in the pill, are you?"

"Of course not," she responded. "I told you Kai, we're going to get you back in the cat."

This didn't remove the fear from Kai's face as the transfer took place.

* * *

Thankfully, Ichigo didn't need to engage in any quick thinking or furtive plots. Yuzu had progressed to the post-traumatic stage in which she wanted to tell anyone she could find about her harrowing tale of grossness and mange. Ichigo quickly learned exactly where he needed to look, with no effort on his part.

As soon as he could, he snuck behind the clinic, opened the trash can lid, and cursed himself for not bringing gloves or a surgical mask. Still, he proceeded to pull out the cat corpse and sneak it back to his room. It wasn't that he really liked Kai, or wanted him around, of course. He just figured Rukia would probably kill him if he didn't do this.

* * *

Kai stank. He had always been a little rank, but the trip to the garbage had done him in. It was time for a bath.

Kai knew something was up when Ichigo put on goggles and a trash bag posing as a poncho. But he panicked when Rukia pulled out the tongs.

Two warriors were a bit difficult for a crippled feline to overcome, so he had to undergo many dips under the water (the dips kept lasting longer and longer, with shorter trips for air, as his tormentors said the water was the best way to mask his yowls from the rest of the house).

As soon as Rukia's iron grip on her utensils slacked, however, he transformed into a motley brown wobbly streak that flew far away from there.

He sat on the curb, trying to remove the remnants of his bath, but failing. His fur was still slick, making him look ludicrously skinny. The wind against his wet skin had him shivering so hard he appeared to be having a seizure. He was certain he must look pathetic enough to be taken in by some wandering Angel of Mercy. Everyone knew kittens were sweet and irresistible to all of the female population, right?

Not right, apparently. The most sympathetic response he had received so far was a "Poor thing!" The more typical reactions were "Ew," "Gross," "Do you think that's contagious," "How is it still moving?" and complete silence coupled with crossing to the other side of the road.

Then, Ichigo's gorilla classmate had showed up. He had crouched down next to him and stared at him for ten solid minutes. Periodically, the lug would stick his hand out as though he might touch Kai, but he would always quickly withdraw it again. This was a man who was deeply torn between a love of small, furry things and a primal, visceral antipathy to this particular furry thing.

Kai was too scared to make any sudden movements, lest they prompt this guy into some sort of action. He was very certain he preferred Ichigo and Rukia, rude though they may have been, to this creepy guy.

Finally, Kai did that thing that always made Ichigo start yelling and smacking him (well, one of the things). He rolled his eyes back as far as he could, and tilted his head at an even more impossible angle. This display seemed to cement the ape man's decision, and he ran away quickly, in the direction he had been heading previously.

Obviously, the Kurosaki house was going to be the place for him. His excursion had taught him that maybe Ichigo and Rukia might be considered nice compared to other people (at this, he purposely pushed away thoughts of those video game-playing punks).

Yes, he would go back to Ichigo's room. Just as soon as he had a little rest; his adventure had proven strenuous.

His nap was ended abruptly by a fur-raising scream. The shock of it caused his three good legs to propel him two meters into the air. He tried to attach himself to the nearby wall, but his claws couldn't get a proper grip, and he only succeeded in making a spectacular screeching noise as he slid down the vertical surface.

When he got to the ground, someone had joined the banshee who had caused these problems.

"Yuzu, my sweetest daughter, I don't know why you must scream so just because a cat gets itself stuck to our house. It can seriously affect Daddy when he's conducting a surgery, even a minor one!"

"Dad, look at that kitty! It's the one we found in Brother's room! You must have thrown him away alive, and the poor thing must have dug itself out. And did you see that? It just jumped higher than your head. There's something very strange about it."

"Pish posh! He seems perfectly healthy and normal, sort of. If he can jump like that he must just be pumped full of vitality. That always happens when animals come back from the dead!"

"Dad! Would you please examine it?"

Isshin looked down at his daughter's angelic face, at the tear forming at the corner of her eye, and discovered, as usual, that he could deny her nothing.

"Okay, Yuzu. Let Daddy go finish sewing up this man's side, and then I'll look at your kitty."

* * *

Being alone with Ichigo's father probably qualified as the most terrifying experience of his life. Kai fidgeted about for a while, trying to find the most catlike position for his body. He finally settled with all four of his paws tucked underneath him (although the rear left one refused to cooperate) - he had seen a statue of a cat like that once.

"Just so you know, Kai," Isshin said as he shut the door, "a real cat would have run for its life already if no one was holding it down. In fact, a stray wouldn't have let Yuzu pick it up in the first place. I do appreciate you not scratching her, though. I might have hurt you had you done so."

A part of his brain insisted he try to continue with his charade, but it couldn't stop him from blurting, "How did you know?"

"Look," Isshin said, and Kai was again amazed at how calm his demeanor was, "I'll let you know a secret of mine, since I know yours. I like you, strangely enough. But if you ever tell anyone my secret, the fullness of my wrath will be visited upon you, make no mistake. Do you understand?"

Kai gulped and nodded vigorously.

"All right, then. First, let's give you a direct injection of souma fixer. I find it works more quickly, and can lead to less pain than the pills cause upon your leaving the body. This doesn't hold true for everyone, of course, and there are some other side effects, but oh well!" Before Kai could protest, the syringe had plunged into his rump, and a hand had clamped over his mouth.

"No screaming, Kai. We wouldn't want the children to hear. Now..." Isshin proceeded to cast a binding demon art, and three types of healing. Kai realized that anyone this good must be a very high level shinigami, and the full weight of his wrath would be extremely heavy if it were to ever end up upon him.

"So, how do you feel?" Isshin asked when he was finished.

Kai got up on all four feet, did a two-second run around the room and practiced his one and a half meter jumps. "I feel...frisky."

"That's what I like to hear!" He scooped Kai up in his arms. "You just remember our little talk, and prepare to see my daughter. I see you bathed today - that's good."

Isshin kicked the door open and bellowed, "Yuzu! Light of my life! Look at the fruit of Daddy's miraculous labors! Your kitten is all better, and I even made it a little cute! You can fully demonstrate all of your gratitude now."

Yuzu snatched Kai from her father's arms and squealed, "He's so precious!"

"No, no, Yuzu! The kitty's a she!"

Kai uttered a small sound of protest, but it was thankfully masked by Yuzu's renewed shrieks.

"A girl!" she said. "Even better! I'll name you Ginger. Just wait until you meet Melon and Cookie, they'll just love you!"

* * *

Once he finally escaped from Yuzu, Kai went to Ichigo's room and scratched at the door until he was let in.

"Nee-san! I'm so happy to see you!" he yelled, leaping towards Rukia's chest.

After batting him away effortlessly, she noticed the changes in him. "Is your head straighter?"

"Um...maybe a little?"

"And your leg," Ichigo piped in. "It doesn't drag when you walk anymore."

"It was your dad. He fixed me up."

"How did you end up with my dad?"

Kon told them all about his adventure, with only a few minor alterations. The cool, collected, and creepy Isshin transformed into the goofy and scary one Ichigo knew. All shinigami techniques were replaced with mortal medical ones he had learned from watching TV from the top of the staircase. There was also an interlude in which a group of buxom supermodels invited him to a hot springs. The entire thing was accompanied by diagrams - Ichigo said they were better than Rukia's, even if he was drawing them with his mouth.


End file.
